Fu-Queues

Already this week, I have spent an inordinate amount of time standing in line. Thus, today's post will provide an introduction to a new and fascinating Canadian professional sport: waiting.

The prototypical Canadian waiting team features 2 members: Amy and myself. I have also had success in singles waiting, which involves a slightly higher level of strategy (frustration). Essentially the waiting game is played as follows:

The defending team faces any number of attackers. Their goal: keep the attackers waiting for as long as possible. A great example of defense strategy is the McDonald's lobby trap. In this system, the defenders lurk as far away from the one open register as possible. This location is kept secret, so the attackers have no idea which register to queue up in front of. The attackers counter by staying toward the back of the lobby, which allows the defenders to continue with a strong lurking game. If an attacker breaks through this defense, successfully placing an order, the defenders change their play-style from lurking to Brownian motion. They move around in a random fashion, bouncing off of fry-stations and burger-bins. Throughout, it is important that the attackers can see their food, waiting to be picked up and placed on their brown plastic tray. Under no circumstances, however, should the defenders make a direct effort to this effect. Rather, they should continue to oscillate aimlessly around the kitchen area, half-heartedly picking up meal components only when their motion brings them suitably close to them.

Allow me to give you a play by play account of one of my recent matches:

Defender: McDonald's
Attackers: Justin and Amy vs. Mathematically-Challenged Adolescent Without Sufficient Money vs. Belligerent Man Who Doesn't Want Lettuce on His Big Mac.
Play-by-Play: Justin and Amy arrive at McDonald's, slightly ahead of Belligerent Man. It would seem that they have the advantage, but McDonald's is running a strong lurking strategy. As they are waiting for an open register Idiot Adolescent comes out of nowhere and sidles smoothly to the front of the queue. By now Belligerent Man has arrived, and asks if Justin and Amy are "in LINE, or WHAT?" Justin and Amy affirm that they are, indeed, in line, while Mathematically-Challenged Adolescent begins his order:

Mathematically-Challenged Adolescent (MCA): "How much for a Big Mac and a large Coke"
McDonald's Employee (ME): "..." (15 seconds pass)
ME: (begins slowly pushing buttons) "...$5.87"
MCA: (looks at the $5 bill in his hands, then hands it to Employee)
ME: "That's not enough..."
MCA: "How much for a small Coke?"

(It is important to note that MCA does not suffer from any recognized mental handicap.... He's just a little dumb)

At this point, Belligerent Man comes into action!

Belligerent Man (BM): (belligerently) "OH, FOR CRYIN' OOT LOUD!"
Justin and Amy (JA): (look disgustedly at Idiot Adolescent then back at Belligerent Man)
ME: (begins slowly pushing buttons)
MCA: (fingers $5 bill slowly with grubby hands)
ME: "$5.67"
MCA: (hands $5 bill to Employee)
ME: "...That's still not enough"
BM: "LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE DRINKING WATER TODAY, KID!"
MCA: "How much for a cheeseburger and small Coke?"
ME: (begins slowly pushing buttons) "$4.12"

Mathematically-Challenged Adolescent hands the grubby bill to ME and takes first place! It's now a race between Justin and Amy and Belligerent Man. Suddenly a new register opens!

McDonald's Employee 2 (ME2): "I can help you over here."
JA: "Okay, we'd like a number 4, with a--"
ME2: (walks suddenly to fryer)
BM: (moving to register operated by ME) "OKAY, I'd like a number ONE, with a COKE!"
ME: (begins slowly pushing buttons) "The combo?"
BM: "YES!"
ME: "What do you want to drink with that?"
BM: "A COKE!"
ME: "Okay, is that it?"
BM: "NO LETTUCE ON THE BIG MAC"
ME: "No lettuce?
BM: "ONLY MUSTARD AND ONIONS!"
ME: "Okay."
BM: "Actually...I'LL TAKE ME A SECOND BIG MAC!"
ME: "Okay."
BM: "NO. LETTUCE."

At this point, McDonald's Employee 2 arrives and takes Justin and Amy's order. It's now a race! Luckily McDonald's Employee 2's random motion carries her to the burger bin before the other employees can finish taking turns spitting on Belligerent Man's Big Mac, and they eke out a second place finish! Another exciting match in the exciting world of Canadian waiting.

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Obligatory Post of the Beast

"Tis now the very witching time of night,
When churchyards yawn and hell itself breathes out
Contagion to this world: now could I drink hot blood,
And do such bitter business as the day
Would quake to look on."

--Hamlet III.2

"What the hell?
No 'Sympathy for the Devil'?!"

--Me


In honor of the (questionably) ominous date, every site I frequent has apparently decided to publish some kind of infernal list. Particularly infernal is Allmusic's The Devil's Playlist. , I'll admit that the best strategy when reading anything concocted by Allmusic's editorial staff involves a large grain of low-expectation-flavored salt. All the same, this list is rather atrocious. Allow me to enumerate its failings in a smug fashion:

Allmusic's typical obscurist holier-than-thou-mutual-admiration-fest. For instance, note that Bauhaus was not fringe enough for this list. No, they had to choose a track from Peter Murphy (Bauhaus lead vocalist)'s solo career. To be fair, they make the track sound mighty good!

No Nick Cave. Come on, you've got to be kidding me! Okay, if Nick Cave wasn't obscure enough, they could always have chosen anything the Birthday Party ever wrote. Interestingly enough, they even have to invoke "Red Right Hand" in order to describe a more obscure track that was chosen in its place in order to placate the insidious hipster contingent.

At this point, I must point out that both of the choices mentioned above seem very apt, and it may just be that my taste in music is too pedestrian for the AMG staff. Even in the throws of obscurism, however, they seemed to find space for such staples as Black Sabbath, Slayer (honestly...), and even the Eagles' "Hotel California." And (you must be thinking) the incredibly obvious "Sympathy for the Devil" by the Rolling Stones. Nope. Not even mentioned. NOT EVEN MENTIONED! DAMN YOU, AMG EDITORIAL STAFF!

Also absent from the list: Electric Six. Hey, Tenacious D made the cut, thanks to Ms. Cammila "Look - At - Me - I'm - Being - Irreverent - So - As - To - Point - Out - How - Silly - It - Is - That - A - Critic - Of - My - Acumen - Must - Stoop - To - Choosing - Songs - For - This - List" Albertson. Speaking of Cammila Albertson, let's look at this dumb bunny's other choice: U2's "Daddy's Gonna Pay For Your Crashed Car." Um. I'm pretty sure that song has NOTHING WHATSOEVER TO DO WITH THE DEVIL! Great. I can only assume that the Stones were bumped for this questionable choice.

I can't take it anymore. What's the deal with U2 anyway? I'm sorry, maybe it's just because the first U2 album to come out after the point at which I became seriously interested in music was Pop, but I just don't get it. Yeah, U2's good. But there's always some jackass at the party that seems to think U2 are revolutionary. Good, yes. Catchy, yes. Well crafted, yes. Great, occasionally. Revolutionary, no. They write good rock/pop songs (including the occasional exceptional track). That's it, folks.

So, the (very humble) beginnings of an appropriate 6/6/06 playlist:

Electric Six - Devil Nights
The Rolling Stones - Sympathy for the Devil
Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - Red Right Hand (or possibly Loverman)
Liars - We Fenced Other Houses With The Bones of Our Own
Murder by Death - Devil in Mexico
Radiohead - Street Spirit (Fade Out)
Algae and Tentacles - Dr. Polichik

And here, dear reader, I leave off for further suggestions...

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