Fu-Queues
Already this week, I have spent an inordinate amount of time standing in line. Thus, today's post will provide an introduction to a new and fascinating Canadian professional sport: waiting.
The prototypical Canadian waiting team features 2 members: Amy and myself. I have also had success in singles waiting, which involves a slightly higher level of strategy (frustration). Essentially the waiting game is played as follows:
The defending team faces any number of attackers. Their goal: keep the attackers waiting for as long as possible. A great example of defense strategy is the McDonald's lobby trap. In this system, the defenders lurk as far away from the one open register as possible. This location is kept secret, so the attackers have no idea which register to queue up in front of. The attackers counter by staying toward the back of the lobby, which allows the defenders to continue with a strong lurking game. If an attacker breaks through this defense, successfully placing an order, the defenders change their play-style from lurking to Brownian motion. They move around in a random fashion, bouncing off of fry-stations and burger-bins. Throughout, it is important that the attackers can see their food, waiting to be picked up and placed on their brown plastic tray. Under no circumstances, however, should the defenders make a direct effort to this effect. Rather, they should continue to oscillate aimlessly around the kitchen area, half-heartedly picking up meal components only when their motion brings them suitably close to them.
Allow me to give you a play by play account of one of my recent matches:
Defender: McDonald's
Attackers: Justin and Amy vs. Mathematically-Challenged Adolescent Without Sufficient Money vs. Belligerent Man Who Doesn't Want Lettuce on His Big Mac.
Play-by-Play: Justin and Amy arrive at McDonald's, slightly ahead of Belligerent Man. It would seem that they have the advantage, but McDonald's is running a strong lurking strategy. As they are waiting for an open register Idiot Adolescent comes out of nowhere and sidles smoothly to the front of the queue. By now Belligerent Man has arrived, and asks if Justin and Amy are "in LINE, or WHAT?" Justin and Amy affirm that they are, indeed, in line, while Mathematically-Challenged Adolescent begins his order:
(It is important to note that MCA does not suffer from any recognized mental handicap.... He's just a little dumb)
At this point, Belligerent Man comes into action!
Mathematically-Challenged Adolescent hands the grubby bill to ME and takes first place! It's now a race between Justin and Amy and Belligerent Man. Suddenly a new register opens!
At this point, McDonald's Employee 2 arrives and takes Justin and Amy's order. It's now a race! Luckily McDonald's Employee 2's random motion carries her to the burger bin before the other employees can finish taking turns spitting on Belligerent Man's Big Mac, and they eke out a second place finish! Another exciting match in the exciting world of Canadian waiting.
The prototypical Canadian waiting team features 2 members: Amy and myself. I have also had success in singles waiting, which involves a slightly higher level of strategy (frustration). Essentially the waiting game is played as follows:
The defending team faces any number of attackers. Their goal: keep the attackers waiting for as long as possible. A great example of defense strategy is the McDonald's lobby trap. In this system, the defenders lurk as far away from the one open register as possible. This location is kept secret, so the attackers have no idea which register to queue up in front of. The attackers counter by staying toward the back of the lobby, which allows the defenders to continue with a strong lurking game. If an attacker breaks through this defense, successfully placing an order, the defenders change their play-style from lurking to Brownian motion. They move around in a random fashion, bouncing off of fry-stations and burger-bins. Throughout, it is important that the attackers can see their food, waiting to be picked up and placed on their brown plastic tray. Under no circumstances, however, should the defenders make a direct effort to this effect. Rather, they should continue to oscillate aimlessly around the kitchen area, half-heartedly picking up meal components only when their motion brings them suitably close to them.
Allow me to give you a play by play account of one of my recent matches:
Defender: McDonald's
Attackers: Justin and Amy vs. Mathematically-Challenged Adolescent Without Sufficient Money vs. Belligerent Man Who Doesn't Want Lettuce on His Big Mac.
Play-by-Play: Justin and Amy arrive at McDonald's, slightly ahead of Belligerent Man. It would seem that they have the advantage, but McDonald's is running a strong lurking strategy. As they are waiting for an open register Idiot Adolescent comes out of nowhere and sidles smoothly to the front of the queue. By now Belligerent Man has arrived, and asks if Justin and Amy are "in LINE, or WHAT?" Justin and Amy affirm that they are, indeed, in line, while Mathematically-Challenged Adolescent begins his order:
Mathematically-Challenged Adolescent (MCA): "How much for a Big Mac and a large Coke"
McDonald's Employee (ME): "..." (15 seconds pass)
ME: (begins slowly pushing buttons) "...$5.87"
MCA: (looks at the $5 bill in his hands, then hands it to Employee)
ME: "That's not enough..."
MCA: "How much for a small Coke?"
(It is important to note that MCA does not suffer from any recognized mental handicap.... He's just a little dumb)
At this point, Belligerent Man comes into action!
Belligerent Man (BM): (belligerently) "OH, FOR CRYIN' OOT LOUD!"
Justin and Amy (JA): (look disgustedly at Idiot Adolescent then back at Belligerent Man)
ME: (begins slowly pushing buttons)
MCA: (fingers $5 bill slowly with grubby hands)
ME: "$5.67"
MCA: (hands $5 bill to Employee)
ME: "...That's still not enough"
BM: "LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE DRINKING WATER TODAY, KID!"
MCA: "How much for a cheeseburger and small Coke?"
ME: (begins slowly pushing buttons) "$4.12"
Mathematically-Challenged Adolescent hands the grubby bill to ME and takes first place! It's now a race between Justin and Amy and Belligerent Man. Suddenly a new register opens!
McDonald's Employee 2 (ME2): "I can help you over here."
JA: "Okay, we'd like a number 4, with a--"
ME2: (walks suddenly to fryer)
BM: (moving to register operated by ME) "OKAY, I'd like a number ONE, with a COKE!"
ME: (begins slowly pushing buttons) "The combo?"
BM: "YES!"
ME: "What do you want to drink with that?"
BM: "A COKE!"
ME: "Okay, is that it?"
BM: "NO LETTUCE ON THE BIG MAC"
ME: "No lettuce?
BM: "ONLY MUSTARD AND ONIONS!"
ME: "Okay."
BM: "Actually...I'LL TAKE ME A SECOND BIG MAC!"
ME: "Okay."
BM: "NO. LETTUCE."
At this point, McDonald's Employee 2 arrives and takes Justin and Amy's order. It's now a race! Luckily McDonald's Employee 2's random motion carries her to the burger bin before the other employees can finish taking turns spitting on Belligerent Man's Big Mac, and they eke out a second place finish! Another exciting match in the exciting world of Canadian waiting.
posted by Justin at 3:34 PM
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