How Not to Write an Introduction to an Academic Paper

In the course of my academic life at an undisclosed institution in Canada, I stumbled across the following discarded paper. I'm going to reproduce it in its entirety. On a related note, if this paper belongs to you and you would like it removed, please let me know. Also, please come by my office for a brief lesson on academic writing. My comments are in the full post.




For some reason (as Amy has noted), people seem to teach Canadian highschoolers to begin their papers with amusing anecdotes or sweepingly ridiculous statements, thus ensuring that Canadians will continue to not be taken seriously. From what I can tell, this is either a paper about swearing or the Chinese language.

First, let's talk about the obvious. I've written some pretty ridiculous papers during my 6 year stint as an undergraduate in English and computer science, but I've never started a paper in quite such a...striking...fashion. Moving right along, what's with that initial semi-colon (for some reason this bothered Amy more than anything else)?. I enjoy the author's assertion that "globalization" and "economic union" are fancy words. After this, we move directly into the land of the hideously mixed metaphors: "...transcends all of the boundaries chaining modern society to the past: culture, economic status, profession, religion, nationality...." Wow. That's one fancy-ass boundary you've got there. It can even chain things together! I only point this out because it's exactly the opposite function from that which a typical boundary serves. Also, how about that impressive list of boundaries? Just to be clear, we're still talking about "Yo bitch," right? The sentence continues, via a deft comma splice, to present one of the most startlingly vivid and unnecessary similes I have ever encountered. We are then treated to a variety of meanings for the word "fuck." Maybe this is just my opinion, but it takes an incredible mastery of "tone of voice" to convey "the act of making love" with the word "fuck." If anyone can figure out how exactly how this is done, please drop me a line. And then this interminable sentence ends with the most fabulously logical conclusion I have ever heard: "I guess that makes swearing is a lot like Chinese." Q.E.D. folks. Were I grading this paper, it would be extremely hard to refrain from scrawling, "I guess that makes your paper a lot like a pile of flaming poo!" right next to that line. Finally, we have, "Prepare yourself for extensive linguistic training." Yes sensei! Actually, wait a minute, sensei. What sort of linguistic training is going to happen here? Maybe how to (in one short page) violate virtually every rule of English grammar and composition? How to confuse your reader so badly that by the (sadly unavailable) second page of your essay he or she has no idea whether you're going to discuss slang, swearing, Chinese, or the state of solid dairy products in the sweet Canadian summertime? As a final note, look at the upper-left hand side of the page. Apparently we're already 10 pages in! Amy's hypothesis: this is actually the begining of a PhD thesis, after the associated of front matter: table of contents, acknowledgements, etc. *shiver*

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